Ok, so the picture is sideways...work with me for a minute. My hands aren't cooperating and I thought it was best to just get the pic up. lol
Baby and Mom are doing well and the whole family is thrilled to have another boy around. Poor Will (my brother's son) was getting outnumbered fast. For a few months, the numbers will be even. Of course, then our 2nd little girl will be born and the girls will have the lead again. As it should be, right? lol
now...not so great news.
I went to the rheumatologist today to see what the plan is. Basically, he told me to start taking 10 mg of Prednisone in the morning and then 1 Extra Strength Tylenol every few hours. What that amounts to is that I'm not going to have much of anything to help me through the next 2 or so months. Tylenol is useless for me--it's no different than swallowing a Tic Tac--and 1 every few hours. uh, yeah, ok. Prednisone. Oh, Prednisone and I have a history, which is what sent me off the deep end today. Prednisone was the first thing they gave me when they finally realized (years ago) that I had arthritis. Because of Prednisone (not Prednisone alone, mind you--I know that I have a lot of responsibility there), I began the upward climb that led me to the weight that I am now. Not great. I had been feeling fairly good about myself--I've lost 13 lbs since getting pregnant...not because I'm trying but just because my body is freaky. I knew that it would reverse itself at some point (hello, I'm growing a person), but I was hoping that I'd at least be heading in the right direction after the baby comes. Enter Prednisone. I could easily gain 30-50 lbs in the few months that are left of my pregnancy, and watching what I eat while on Prednisone doesn't seem to make a bit of a difference. Not so thrilling. Yeah, I cried for at least 2 hrs of the 2.5 hr drive home from the doctor today. lovely.
Here's the honest to God truth (thank God for blogs...where else can I pour my heart out without feeling selfish or whiney or needy of attention? For all I know, nobody even reads my blog!)... Even though we had the ultrasound last month and I've been feeling the baby move lots, I've been worried sick. At around 24 weeks, NSAIDS (like the prescription Motrin I've been on and other anti-inflammatories) can close the hole in the baby's heart where blood goes in and out. Eventually, that hole will close on its own--when it's supposed to. That's not now. Even though both my rheumy and ob have told me that I'll be ok to take the prescription Motrin until 24 weeks (this coming Friday), I have been terrified that I'm doing something that will hurt my baby. All because I'm being selfish because I don't want to live in pain. Let me be clear--the Motrin definitely isn't taking away all of the pain...my left hand is barely functional. But it (the Motrin) lets me function, at least for now. So now I'm feeling like I've been selfish and horrible to risk something happening to my baby. Add to it now that I don't want to take Prednisone because I don't want to get any fatter than I already am and you've got a migrane and 2+ hours of crying in the making. I'm sure that some of this is being fueled by pregnancy hormones, the fact that I haven't slept much in the last month, the fact that Maggie has been difficult (to put it nicely) for the last month or so, and the fact that with my new nephew I'm much more aware of this little person growing inside me...it feels more real somehow. The reality is, though, that this has been building and coming and I'm just not sure what to do with it.
I know. What I have to do with it is accept it for what it is--yet another challenge...another way for me to reach for help where I can find it...and to prove that I am stronger than this. Look at all I've already beaten. Hell, it's not cancer--it's just pain. And potentially only 8-12 weeks of pain. Once the baby is here I can make different decisions about my medical care. All of those are logical things, though. Right now, there's an elephant in the room and it's making me want to just curl up in a ball and cry and sleep for a few hours.
Maybe I'll go do that. Maggie will be up early (as she always is lol), and I want to be myself for her. She's too important and too special for me to spend too much time wallowing in myself.
Thanks if you've read this far. Don't feel the need to do or say anything. I just had to get it out. Chris worries and nobody else really knows what to do or say if I ever share this stuff, so there it sits in my head. There's not enough room in there for it right now, though, so I'm glad that it's out, at least temporarily.
Have a good night. Hug your little ones. Be thankful for the blessings that you have been given--even though I'm struggling at the moment, my life is VERY VERY blessed. I'd be a fool not to recognize the bazillion blessings that I've been given. Perhaps the biggest one is the knowledge that I have someone bigger and better than me to help me through this--once I get over myself and get past the pity party. Tomorrow. It'll be a better day, right? Right. Most definitely. Good night.
6 comments:
Hugs, girlie! I'm always around if ya wanna vent a bit!
Glad you shared :)...glad you blogged!?! hahaha...giving you a hard time again. But seriously, I am really glad you shared. It actually helped me to think through some of my own struggles.
Don't ever feel selfish for not wanting to be in constant pain. If you don't take care of yourself, who will? You can't always be a superwoman! :) You are totally amazing and I am always impressed at how positive you seem to be despite struggles. And don't feel bad about sharing. It isn't whining... it is letting friends/people who care about you know what is going on in your life. I think that you are so brave. :) Hang in there sweetie.
Yeah - what Kimberlee said! I don't think I can improve on that!
Your need to get it out and this is a great place for it. I know I always feel better after I vent. It's getting it out of your head, where it sits and stews. And you have to get it out to move on past it.
It's frustrating, but you are doing what you need to do to have wonderful baby and keep yourself in a somewhat functional state. All the other things will get taken care of after. Not without hard work - but it IS do-able and you are very good at doing! :)
You know that we're there for you!
Gosh - Grady's cute! :)
I've been there-sort of- I was diagnosed when I delivered my third child. At the time the drs thought it was the prednisone that my body was naturally producing during the pregnacy that kept the swelling and pain down until I delivered and then life got interesting! Do take care of yourself so that you can enjoy this new miracle!
oh sweetie... i so wish i could take the pain away. if i could i would. hang in there, honey. it will be over before you know it and you will be proud of yourself for making it through. if you ever need me, you know where to find me. (((HUGS)))
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